Criminals of cringe

Fiona Burke runs through music’s most annoying artists

Westlife: I’m all for supporting the home team, but if I see Westlife demonstrate their ability to stand up from a chair one more time I will be tempted to kneecap one of them. Don’t get me wrong, they seem like nice guys and all but the climatic, ever predictable, key change format really grinds my gears (as Peter Griffin would say).

Willow Smith: I’m finding it hard to fathom that I can go into an over 21s club and hear a nine year old’s single playing.

JLS: They have some catchy songs but I cannot forgive their responsibility for turning straight men into V Neck wearing, ankle boot strutting poseurs… it borders on cross dressing. That teamed with dance routines worthy of a ‘Phones 4 U’ advert gain them a spot on my most annoying artists list.

The Wanted: The name is bad enough but their song “All Time Low” forced me to exercise a more advanced fitness regime that I would like, considering my sporadic and epic dives for the remote to change the channel when it came on.

David Guetta: Over the summer it was difficult to find any tune he hadn’t featured on! I was starting to think there was a David Guetta version of Where’s Wally? on my TV.

Tinnie Tempah: I like his songs but my God his ego could dwarf Kanye West’s.

N-Dubz: WHY?? They are just so awful! And please Dappy (whatever kind of Gangsta name that is), when a trend doesn’t work out for you (i.e. that god forsaken lopsided winter hat) just give up on it!

Jason DeRulo: Love the hits but why must you consistently remind us of your name at the start of every song? You’re doing pretty well now love, we know who you are, you can stop with the less than concealed attempt at subliminal messaging.

Scooter: Another consistent dropper of his own name! I suggest giving up music and looking for a part in a Dan Brown movie adaptation… Silas ain’t got sh*t on him!

Pixie Lott: Possibly the only person who has expressions that static without Botox. Her music is equally as invariable.

U2: A certain Bill Bailey sketch comes to mind… (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6Go2DK9VtQ). Sure, you have to be proud such a massive band came from Ireland but I can’t help but think that South Park’s portrayal of Bono was quite accurate!

Rihanna: I’ve heard less monotone droning from mammoth, secondary school science teachers.

Shane Ward: Your abs say yes but everything else screams no! For example, being able to sing like you haven’t reached puberty is not an asset worthy of praise. Neither is contracting lyrics as grammatically incorrect as “I’m gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth”.

The Glee Cast: Guilty of producing a whole host of painful covers which all sound the same.

Travis McCoy: Destroyer of Supergrass! And King of irritating facial expressions for no apparent reason.

Thus concludes my rant on annoying artists. Here’s hoping none of these CD’s end up in your Xmas stockings! Merry Christmas!

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