How to end up on Jeremy Kyle (if that be your life ambition)

Ciara Drummey on the show, ladies and gentlemen!

It’s the first week of college. Your alarm is buzzing and it’s nine o’ clock. You’re sure you had something important to do this morning but can’t quite remember what it is. You glance around vacantly wondering just what it could be. And then it hits you, like a wet trout in the face – Jeremy Kyle is starting on ITV in ten minutes.

Jeremy Kyle has been gracing our screens for the past five years with over a thousand episodes highlighting acareer of gambling, secret love affairs and drinking. And that’s just Kyle’s past – I haven’t even started on the shows guests. A British Judge once stated the shows only purpose was to “titillate bored members of the public with nothing better to do.” Well yeah, obviously, we are in college after all.

But there’s one thing that has always bothered me. At what point in your life do things get so bad that you think the only solution is to air your problems on television in front of millions? Here’s a couple of examples of how YOU just might end up on The Jeremy Kyle Show this year.

Whos your daddy?
So its fresher’s week, you went out, had a few too many Jägers (three for ten euro in Suas!),  got a girl,  forgot to hit up to the Students’ Union Welfare Office for free condoms, but figured in your drunken state “Ah sure, it’ll be grand.” Well, no, it won’t be “grand”, and nine months later there’s a baby on the scene – just in time for your summer exams. The only problem is, though, that girl also had a few too many jaegers and a few too many guys that night and isn’t quite sure who the father is. Time for a Jeremy Kyle Paternity Test!

Prepare to be berated for at least twenty minutes for being a drunken mess and not having the sense to use contraception. We all know how Jeremy feels on this subject “I see it time and time again on my show – children having children. Why is nobody using CONTRACEPTION?!” At this point he will question the state of society itself, shout and scream at you, the girl, and the eight potential fathers positioned on the stage before finally revealing the results.  It’s actually his (Cue “Ooohs” and shouts for “Jerry! Jerry!” from the audience).

Housemates from Hell
You’ve just moved into a new house with complete strangers. Soon after you start to notice a few things missing: your Koka noodles, a sliced pan, few cans of Druids… You also notice that one of your housemates is ginger. And a crack addict. Logical conclusion? Confront him on Jeremy Kyle! So you make your feelings and suspicions known to Jezza, while he sits patiently on the step in front of you, congratulating you on being very brave for coming forward with your problem. I mean, it’s not easy living with a ginger is it?

The ginger walks on stage and is greeted with a stony silence. Ginger tries to explain his side of the story; he’s been addicted to crack cocaine since he was twelve, he had no money to buy food, so he stole it from his new housemate. He is very apologetic and would like help with his addiction. Jeremy lays into him, saying that a crack addiction is no excuse for being ginger. Jeremy enlists the help of Graham, a professional psychotherapist, who feels that the only solution for Ginger’s problem is a bottle of Tesco Value Hair Dye. Ginger is escorted off stage looking highly confused. You and Jeremy however are satisfied with the solution.

As entertaining as all this sounds, I’m hoping that college really doesn’t turn out like this for you, and instead you can watch Jeremy Kyle from the safety of your own living room, feeling slightly superior about your life. So in the words of Kyle himself, I would like to thank the audience, the guests, and most of all you at home for watching. Er, reading…

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