Agony Uncle 2

Agony Uncle

Last week Interpol were investigating Agony Uncle for human trafficking. However, after it was revealed to Agony Uncle that a four piece New York band has no legal right to prosecute him, he left their pretentious loft.

Subsequently he illegally downloaded their album. Agony Uncle is now being sued by Interpol. Having listened to their album, he quipped to Rolling Stone, “It wasn’t worth it for this lazy, content to stay the same cop out of an album”.

Dear Agony, I have noticed you insult arts and commerce students quite a bit. Occasionally you target BIS students, and rarely engineering but only to jest at their fine work rate. As a medicine student I find it very disheartening that we are left out of your jokes. (Marcus)

You’re a medical student, aren’t you used to being left out of all student activities? Come on man, you appear in Freshers week as a human, flawed and lovable. Then 16 years later you re-emerge as a doctor; a soulless, deluded by House mutant, content to chastise those of us who spent their lives trying to clear Modern Warfare on veteran. I hope this answers your question Marcus.

People keep writing FML after things. What does this even mean? Remember when people weren’t moronic? Me neither. (Daniel)

FML is an abbreviation of Football Manager Live. For some reason this game has seriously gotten popular over the last few years. People I would never expect to play it seem to put it at the end of their sentences, like 14 year old girls. An inordinate number of suicides over the last few years have been linked to the football game apparently as suicide notes contained FML as the last reference they made in this mortal world.

The Express cannot advertise alcohol. Can the Equality Officer fix this, as I believe I am being discriminated against as a result? (Frog who can no longer get a gig)

Weren’t you on those great ads for B… oh better not say it. Heaven forefend Agony Uncle be accused of advocating the consummation of alcoholic beverages. Because everyone knows, free student news papers contribute to 70% of liver failure as a result of alcohol consumption. If we were any good at subliminal advertising, a lot more of you would be buying Zunes. Yeah that’s right, we’ve been hiding pro-Zune propaganda throughout the paper. If you find it you could WIN A ZUNE. Send answers to

How do I know if my boyfriend is cheating on me? (Lyra)

He’ll say, “Hey, I’m cheating on you”. But I assume you want warning signs. Is your boyfriend tired in the morning? Does he sometimes spend time with his friends, away from you? Does he drink fluids? Is he annoyed when you prattle on about nothing? All these things indicate he is sleeping around. Probably with your best friend.

My turtle is missing. And the family across the street are from an island that eats turtles. I am not accusing them of anything. But they invited me over for turtle soup. (Jeff)

Don’t be paranoid. I stole your turtle as a hoax! Unfortunately the hoax entailed me making soup out of your turtle. Ours is not to reason why. You know the story of the Rabbit and the Tortoise? The moral is bullshit, the rabbit I chased ran away, your turtle was some easy pickings.

Did you like this? Share it: