Dr Agony Uncle

Agony Uncle returns to the Express after a year’s absence having been acquitted on all charges thanks in large part to a glaring legal technicality. In his spare time he acquired a medical degree and has turned from answering only personal questions to medical ones too. His degree in homeopathy has gone to his head however…

Can you advise me upon the best way to break it to my girlfriend I have given her herpes? I’m quite sure I got it off of her best friend Jane too. (James)

Bake your girlfriend two pies. Give them to her friend. Say, ‘hey, I gave your friend two pies. They’re her pies. Oh! That reminds me.’ The rest will naturally blend into conversation.

Specsavers do hearing aids now too, as well as glasses. What’s the point of their advertising if people can’t see or hear it? (Helen)

This isn’t quite a problem question, but quite true. Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away? Because it got sick of being called blublublubabababa.

There is no light in my life, how can I change my condition. (Paul)

Buy a lamp.

I wrote you once my friend, many a year ago. Two years ago I told a tale of being lost in the ORB building. Unfortunately I am still trapped here. Upon learning the wizard’s secret, he has cursed me by hunting me with his minions. But lo! Not in heaven or hell is a beast with my resolve. My limited mana allows only to send one email. But if you are able, send weapons and men for my rescue. (Maeve)

My heart is indeed full of weeping. There enters to the ORB none who return. Yet a prophecy is told of a creature such as you. You may indeed be the chosen daughter of Thuraz, destined to free the ORB from its evil ways. I will send in several gullible first years as cannon fodder distractions. When they are being ripped apart remorselessly seize your opportunity to counter-attack.

WANTED: First years for free private Muse concert, enter the ORB at 7pm on the 16th of September.

Is it medically possible to tell the difference between butter and ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ by taste? (Jon)

There are many competing theories. Brad Baker of the Harvard Medical Review claims refined taste buds can distinguish the lack of lactose in the later. Many of his peers scoff however at this as a mere fallacy. It is possible to tell the difference however by adding drops of magnesium sulphate. On real butter, this causes it to transform into marmalade. Hence of course the phrase, “a drop of magnesium sulphate and some butter and Winnie the Pooh is your man”.

Don’t you want somebody to love? (Darby Slick)

Well if you’re offering. Sex trafficking is a terrible problem though. I hate waiting in cars for sex.

How do I tell my best friend I cheated on her boyfriend? (Jane)

Do you like pies? If so my dear you are in for quite the treat.

I’m feelingly slightly poorly. I’ve tried lavender drops under the armpit, adding eucalyptus leaves on my head and energy crystals up my arse, everything! (Lee)

I’m well aware that Homeopathy is a sham. However I have found people so appallingly gullible, it is difficult not to take their money. Generally people who resort to me are very sick and in desperation mode, so naturally easy targets. Others are so vapid they don’t deserve money lest they spend it on Miley Cyrus CDs and the Daily Mail. Oh, and on your condition, try ramming your head off a wall for a week, that’ll cure you right up. Even Agony Uncle has his limits. From next week, normal service resumes.

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