Horoscopes

I told them we shouldn’t have given MacGyver that sheet to write a letter with, he’s made a paper plane and shagged off.

Maybe this year people will get the letter thing.

Being around all these freshers gives me mixed emotions. Fear at the state of the future generation mixed with delight at having a fresh batch of new talent.

After a brief spell of contemplating what to do with your weekend, you will do the same thing you always do. Pre-drink Saturday night, go to a club and stay stalwart at your friends’ sides until 1 o clock, when you will jump on the first guy who gives you a wink and spend the next day convincing yourself you’re just more fun than others. You slut.

Can anyone of you remember the Animals of Farthing Wood? So long as you do, you can crash at mine. If not, the Gardaí ask questions.

Knowledge is power, but power is power also. If you’re bigger than your lecturer, it may be worth your while showing them who’s who.

By the way, I poked holes in the condoms in 150 of these Fresher bags. Enjoy the last 9 months of your carefree lives.

I lived beside a coven of lesbian vampires over the summer. It was pretty scary, but for one week every month they left everyone alone.

Thinking of a new career? Prostitution is on the up and up! The ultimate in financial sense, you have it, you sell it, you still have it! Beat the recession today!

Counter to what most people think, the Amphitheatre outside the Students’ Centre is actually the worlds largest coffee cup holder.

Here is the list of the Sex and the City women I would sleep with in order of preference:

Starting Sunday your luck will take a change. Unfortunately it will only go from bad to terrible, when a girl you were having no luck seducing will have a steroid filled weightlifting boyfriend, and doctors will spend the next month playing “Which piece goes where?” with your ribcage.

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