Last week Interpol were investigating Agony Uncle for human trafficking. However, after it was revealed to Agony Uncle that a four piece New York band has no legal right to prosecute him, he left their pretentious loft.

I told them we shouldn’t have given MacGyver that sheet to write a letter with, he’s made a paper plane and shagged off.

Agony Uncle returns to the Express after a year’s absence having been acquitted on all charges thanks in large part to a glaring legal technicality. In his spare time he acquired a medical degree and has turned from answering only personal questions to medical ones too. His degree in homeopathy has gone to his head however…