Last week Interpol were investigating Agony Uncle for human trafficking. However, after it was revealed to Agony Uncle that a four piece New York band has no legal right to prosecute him, he left their pretentious loft.

Subsequently he illegally downloaded their album. Agony Uncle is now being sued by Interpol. Having listened to their album, he quipped to Rolling Stone, “It wasn’t worth it for this lazy, content to stay the same cop out of an album”.

Dear Agony, I have noticed you insult arts and commerce students quite a bit. Occasionally you target BIS students, and rarely engineering but only to jest at their fine work rate. As a medicine student I find it very disheartening that we are left out of your jokes. (Marcus)

You’re a medical student, aren’t you used to being left out of all student activities? Come on man, you appear in Freshers week as a human, flawed and lovable. Then 16 years later you re-emerge as a doctor; a soulless, deluded by House mutant, content to chastise those of us who spent their lives trying to clear Modern Warfare on veteran. I hope this answers your question Marcus.

People keep writing FML after things. What does this even mean? Remember when people weren’t moronic? Me neither. (Daniel)

FML is an abbreviation of Football Manager Live. For some reason this game has seriously gotten popular over the last few years. People I would never expect to play it seem to put it at the end of their sentences, like 14 year old girls. An inordinate number of suicides over the last few years have been linked to the football game apparently as suicide notes contained FML as the last reference they made in this mortal world.

The Express cannot advertise alcohol. Can the Equality Officer fix this, as I believe I am being discriminated against as a result? (Frog who can no longer get a gig)

Weren’t you on those great ads for B… oh better not say it. Heaven forefend Agony Uncle be accused of advocating the consummation of alcoholic beverages. Because everyone knows, free student news papers contribute to 70% of liver failure as a result of alcohol consumption. If we were any good at subliminal advertising, a lot more of you would be buying Zunes. Yeah that’s right, we’ve been hiding pro-Zune propaganda throughout the paper. If you find it you could WIN A ZUNE. Send answers to completefakeyoufool@gmail.com.

How do I know if my boyfriend is cheating on me? (Lyra)

He’ll say, “Hey, I’m cheating on you”. But I assume you want warning signs. Is your boyfriend tired in the morning? Does he sometimes spend time with his friends, away from you? Does he drink fluids? Is he annoyed when you prattle on about nothing? All these things indicate he is sleeping around. Probably with your best friend.

My turtle is missing. And the family across the street are from an island that eats turtles. I am not accusing them of anything. But they invited me over for turtle soup. (Jeff)

Don’t be paranoid. I stole your turtle as a hoax! Unfortunately the hoax entailed me making soup out of your turtle. Ours is not to reason why. You know the story of the Rabbit and the Tortoise? The moral is bullshit, the rabbit I chased ran away, your turtle was some easy pickings.

I told them we shouldn’t have given MacGyver that sheet to write a letter with, he’s made a paper plane and shagged off.

Maybe this year people will get the letter thing.

Being around all these freshers gives me mixed emotions. Fear at the state of the future generation mixed with delight at having a fresh batch of new talent.

After a brief spell of contemplating what to do with your weekend, you will do the same thing you always do. Pre-drink Saturday night, go to a club and stay stalwart at your friends’ sides until 1 o clock, when you will jump on the first guy who gives you a wink and spend the next day convincing yourself you’re just more fun than others. You slut.

Can anyone of you remember the Animals of Farthing Wood? So long as you do, you can crash at mine. If not, the Gardaí ask questions.

Knowledge is power, but power is power also. If you’re bigger than your lecturer, it may be worth your while showing them who’s who.

By the way, I poked holes in the condoms in 150 of these Fresher bags. Enjoy the last 9 months of your carefree lives.

I lived beside a coven of lesbian vampires over the summer. It was pretty scary, but for one week every month they left everyone alone.

Thinking of a new career? Prostitution is on the up and up! The ultimate in financial sense, you have it, you sell it, you still have it! Beat the recession today!

Counter to what most people think, the Amphitheatre outside the Students’ Centre is actually the worlds largest coffee cup holder.

Here is the list of the Sex and the City women I would sleep with in order of preference:

Starting Sunday your luck will take a change. Unfortunately it will only go from bad to terrible, when a girl you were having no luck seducing will have a steroid filled weightlifting boyfriend, and doctors will spend the next month playing “Which piece goes where?” with your ribcage.

Can you advise me upon the best way to break it to my girlfriend I have given her herpes? I’m quite sure I got it off of her best friend Jane too. (James)

Bake your girlfriend two pies. Give them to her friend. Say, ‘hey, I gave your friend two pies. They’re her pies. Oh! That reminds me.’ The rest will naturally blend into conversation.

Specsavers do hearing aids now too, as well as glasses. What’s the point of their advertising if people can’t see or hear it? (Helen)

This isn’t quite a problem question, but quite true. Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away? Because it got sick of being called blublublubabababa.

There is no light in my life, how can I change my condition. (Paul)

Buy a lamp.

I wrote you once my friend, many a year ago. Two years ago I told a tale of being lost in the ORB building. Unfortunately I am still trapped here. Upon learning the wizard’s secret, he has cursed me by hunting me with his minions. But lo! Not in heaven or hell is a beast with my resolve. My limited mana allows only to send one email. But if you are able, send weapons and men for my rescue. (Maeve)

My heart is indeed full of weeping. There enters to the ORB none who return. Yet a prophecy is told of a creature such as you. You may indeed be the chosen daughter of Thuraz, destined to free the ORB from its evil ways. I will send in several gullible first years as cannon fodder distractions. When they are being ripped apart remorselessly seize your opportunity to counter-attack.

WANTED: First years for free private Muse concert, enter the ORB at 7pm on the 16^th of September.

Is it medically possible to tell the difference between butter and ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ by taste? (Jon)

There are many competing theories. Brad Baker of the Harvard Medical Review claims refined taste buds can distinguish the lack of lactose in the later. Many of his peers scoff however at this as a mere fallacy. It is possible to tell the difference however by adding drops of magnesium sulphate. On real butter, this causes it to transform into marmalade. Hence of course the phrase, “a drop of magnesium sulphate and some butter and Winnie the Pooh is your man”.

Don’t you want somebody to love? (Darby Slick)

Well if you’re offering. Sex trafficking is a terrible problem though. I hate waiting in cars for sex.

How do I tell my best friend I cheated on her boyfriend? (Jane)

Do you like pies? If so my dear you are in for quite the treat.

I’m feelingly slightly poorly. I’ve tried lavender drops under the armpit, adding eucalyptus leaves on my head and energy crystals up my arse, everything! (Lee)

I’m well aware that Homeopathy is a sham. However I have found people so appallingly gullible, it is difficult not to take their money. Generally people who resort to me are very sick and in desperation mode, so naturally easy targets. Others are so vapid they don’t deserve money lest they spend it on Miley Cyrus CDs and the Daily Mail. Oh, and on your condition, try ramming your head off a wall for a week, that’ll cure you right up. Even Agony Uncle has his limits. From next week, normal service resumes.